My recent interest in the subject of needs led me to read the book “Give and Take” by Dr Willard Harley. It was an eye-opening experience. Besides talking about Love Busters and the ten most important emotional needs, he says there are two illusions. The first illusion is that care and protection in marriage should be given unconditionally. The reality is they are given when they are received. The second illusion is that spouses should love and accept each other as they are and shouldn’t try to change each other. The reality is that love and acceptance depend on the changes made to accommodate each other. “It is the epitome of selfishness to assume that we should be loved and cared for regardless of the way we treat others.” The policy of joint agreement is “Never do anything without an enthusastic agreement between you and your spouse.” The interests of both people are equally important. His Marriage Builders website is packed with useful information.