Emotional – Activity: Choose Love

This week, I will choose loving actions. Every evening I will review my actions during the day and ask myself: “Were my actions today based on love?”

Understand that you are loved.

To love ourselves, we need to fully realize that we are loved simply because we are alive. A higher power is one completely reliable source of unconditional love. When you love yourself, giving and receiving love becomes possible.

Understand the Different Kinds of Love

Books

• “All About Love” by Bell Hooks
• “Real Love” by Greg Baer

This is one of the weekly activities for a Year of Personal Development.

Emotional – Activity: Express Emotions with I Statements

Just as we have choices about how to interpret an event, and how to label emotions, we also have options about how to express feelings. Take EXTRA TIME to express emotions appropriately.

First, evaluate the situation:

• Evaluate how important it is to you
• Xamine the likely results: can something be changed?
• Think about whether the likely results are worth speaking up for.
• Rational response: are feelings based on rational beliefs and thoughts?
• Appropriate: clarify what you heard the other person say.  Sometimes our initial perceptions and interpretations aren’t accurate.

If you do decide to communicate your feelings, consider:

• Timing: both people need the energy and ability to focus.
• I statements: use a communication style that focuses on the feelings or beliefs of the speaker.
• Manage voice: use neutral volume and tone.
• Environment: choose a private and quiet place.

There are five elements of an I Statement to consider:

1. Observations – state the facts, describe the situation
2. Feelings – describe your own feelings
3. Thoughts – about the effects of the situation
4. Wants – ask clearly for what you want
5. Intentions – tell what you plan to do

Example: “When you keep your phone out at dinner, I feel unappreciated. I would prefer it if we give each other our full attention while we have a meal.”

Own the emotion. Say “I notice that I am feeling ____.” Not: “I am ____.” or “You made me ____.” Susan David writes about the importance of accurately labeling and communicating emotions in her book “Emotional Agility.”

Before you speak, THINK:

• T is it True?
• H is it Helpful?
• I is it Inspiring?
• N is it Necessary?
• K is it Kind?

SMART goal:

This week, I will decide if expressing emotions is the best choice in situations that arise. If I choose to express my emotions, I will use I statements. I will print a Five Message Worksheet (pdf) and use it each day. 

Tools:

• Chart describing the five elements at newconversations.net
• Five Message Worksheet (pdf)

This is part of a series on emotional intelligence, and one of the weekly activities for a Year of Personal Development. Emotional intelligence is one of the building blocks of positive shift that have been shown by research to increase happiness.

Emotional – Activity: Understand Emotions

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is a form of cognitive behavior therapy developed by Albert Ellis. Learn more about Cognitive Behavior Therapies at Creating Clarity. With this method we gain an understanding of how our beliefs about events lead to our emotions.

Activating Event ▪→ Beliefs → Consequences +→

• Activating Event
• Beliefs
• Consequences

If our beliefs are based on irrational thoughts, consequences may be negative. But we can insert a mental pause with the SOS method to ask questions and choose more effective rational thoughts for a more positive outcome.

Ask ▪→ Begin to dispute irrational thoughts → Choose effective rational thoughts +→

Ask: Use the SOS technique to insert a mental pause to identify emotions and ask questions:

• What are my feelings?
• Am I seeing this clearly?
• Is this a rational thought? Is it logical and reasonable?
• Is it true? Is it accurate?
• What are the facts? Is there evidence?
• Am I exaggerating or over-reacting?
• Am I mistaken to take this personally?
• Is this an overly pessimistic view?

Begin to dispute irrational thoughts. Some common cognitive distortions:

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking
2. Overgeneralizing
3. Discounting the Positive
4. Jumping to Conclusions
5. Mind Reading
6. Fortune Telling
7. Magnifying (Catastrophising) or Minimizing
8. Emotional Reasoning
9. Should Statements
10. Labeling and Mislabeling
11. Personalizing

Choose to substitute effective rational thoughts:

• feelings are caused by beliefs and thoughts, not by events
• not everyone will love me
• nobody is perfect
• there are reasons for behavior
• the universe wasn’t created for me
• worry is not helpful (but planning can be)
• facing problems is better than avoidance and denial
• learn from the past while moving forward
• change is possible

This week, I will notice how my feelings, beliefs and thoughts are connected. I will print an REBT self help form and use it each day. I will replace irrational beliefs and thoughts with rational ones.

Download the ABCs of REBT worksheet (pdf) Watch a video about the ABCDE Model. (6:35)

Knowing what you are thinking is a part of Creating Clarity. One of the Four Agreements is to Be Impeccable With Your Words. Uplift yourself with honest self-talk using REBT.

learn more about understanding emotions:

• Jennifer Willis TED talk What’s Your Frame?
• Printable REBT self help form (pdf)
• The Feedback Loop at becomingbetter.org
• Practical Lesson: ABCDEF worksheet from jayuhdinger
• www.getselfhelp.co.uk

This is one of the weekly activities for a Year of Personal Development and part of the series on emotional intelligence.

This Emotional Life information and series on PBS is a great resource on emotions.

Emotional – Activity: Identify Emotions

Feelings come in a wide variety of types and intensity. Emotions may be painful when our needs are not met, or pleasurable when needs are met. Learning to increase awareness to recognize the emotions we are feeling is an important skill to develop our emotional intelligence. [Learn more about emotional intelligence]

Emotions in the Body

Physical sensations can provide clues to what we are feeling emotionally. It can be easier to get irritated when hot, or to be distracted when cold. Temperature is one of the physical indicators of emotions. So are breath and heart rates, which can increase with painful emotions of fear or anger, and sometimes when we feel brave or in love. Paying attention to tension and posture is also important to identify feelings. We tend to clench muscles when emotions are painful, and to stand upright with head up and shoulders back when emotions are pleasurable. When our needs are not satisfied, we may feel drained of energy, and when they are satisfied we often feel full of energy. These are not the only ways that emotions manifest in the body, but awareness of these is a good place to start. Learn more at the Wheel of Awareness.

RATE these key physical indicators to identify your feelings:

• Rates: breath & heart
• Assess posture
• Temperature & tension
• Energy levels

Scan the body, starting at the top and moving downward to check head, chest, shoulders, and the rest of the body. Pay attention to aches and pains. Head: do you feel tight and tense, or relaxed? Neck and shoulders: are you slumped or upright? Chest: is your breath and heart rate fast, or slow? Body: do you feel hot or cold? tired and drained, or energized?

To manage emotions, it can help to gain control of rates with biofeedback, deep breathing, and meditation. For better posture, stretch and strengthen muscles and practice power poses (see Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk). Practice self care and other coping skills to manage stress and increase energy. Strong self-esteem makes managing emotions easier.

Recognize the emotions that these physical signs may be indicating. Signs of anger can include…hot or flushed face, clenched jaw, tense and tight shoulders, fast breath and heart rate, shaking or jerky body movements, clenched fists. Some of these may also indicate anxiety, stress, or fear. Recent research has created body maps showing where and how emotions are felt. See what they have discovered at this NPR article and at greatist.com. The Emotions Sensations Wheel at lindsaybraman.com is also helpful for this.

Naming Emotions

When needs are satisfied, we feel: happy, love, courageous, strong, and engaged. When needs are not satisfied, we feel: sad, hate, feear, anger, and disengaged. Many words are used to describe feelings, which can vary in intensity. The following tools can help to clarify emotions.

Tools to Identify Emotions

• Emotions Color Wheel
• Feelings Wheel printable pdf from the Gottman Institute
• Printable Mood Diary pdf from http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/
• Printable Feelings Chart at the Daily PlanIt Shop

SMART goal:

This week, I will print a feelings chart and mood diary, and each evening note what I’ve been feeling during  the day.

Resources for identifying emotions

• More tools are at the Emotional Intelligence Pinterest board
• How to recognize emotions from oohc toolbox
• Emotions are physical at psychcentral
• The Importance of Checking In with your Body at thethrivecenter.org
• The 5 Rs of Resilience at thethrivecenter.org
• Guide to the Best Habit and Mood Tracking Apps at tech.co
• Emotional Intelligence, Anger Management, and Quick Stress Relief at Helpguide
• Recognizing Emotions at www.emotionalcompentency.com
• Emotional Style Quiz at University of Wisconsin-Madison
• Noticing emotions meditation http://www.self-compassion.org/noting.practice.MP3
• The book The Heart of the Soul: Emotional Awareness” by Gary Zukav

More on Emotional Intelligence, Resilience, and the Coping Skills Toolkit

More activities for a Year of Personal Development

Spiritual – Activity: Practice the Four Agreements

Read “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word. This means speaking the truth to yourself as well as to others.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions.
4. Always Do Your Best.

I will print this summary of the Four Agreements (found here) and carry it with me this week to remind me to practice them.

Review this Introductory Video to the Four Agreements (3:42) at www.miguelruiz.com.

A nice summary at highexistence.com.

This is one of the weekly activities for a Year of Personal Development.

• Check your environmental skills
• Make a pledge to go green
• Learn more with guides at Eartheasy.com
• Have fun with crafts and games at PlanetPals.com

I will make a written pledge of at least seven actions that I will take this week that will help the Earth’s environment. I will sign it and do one (or more) action each day.

This is one of the weekly activities for a Year of Personal Development.